The dentist said it would be a complex procedure and he wasn’t wrong. A crown had fallen off and taken some of the rotten tooth with it so basically two decayed black roots were left dangling into my jaw. They were going to remove what was left of the tooth and replace it with an implant and bridge. I had been dreading – and putting off – this ordeal for months. Who in their right mind likes a visit to the dentist? Ahead of the prodedure I was given four injections around the area. After they had meant to have kicked in they started drilling. Except I could still feel the nerve – the drill baring down on the angry, twitching nerve end, a mainline – a pain line – direct to my brain. I tried to brave it and clenched my fists to deflect the pain. Finally I had to concede and another numbing injection was administered. The dentist then carried on. I could still feel it. My leg started to shake. My tongue twitched in my mouth getting in the way of the drilling. I imagine I was threshing around like a netted Great White shark on the gurney. An unruly patient. Maybe I am not very pain tolerant – like with man flu – didn’t you know it’s worse for the male species when in the dentist’s chair?

‘How far are we in?’ I asked.
‘About 50%’ he replied, devoid of humour.

Another injection was adminstered and the dentist then asked if I would like some nitrous oxide aka laughing gas.

‘It would calm me down’, he said. ‘I’ve given you enough numbing injections to paralyse an elephant’ he continued.

I was slightly nervous about the lauging gas. I’d seen these gas cannisters in the streets of East London necked by millenials on the way to a rave. What good will they do me here and now? I thought I’d given up this sort of malarkey a while ago.

‘Will I be okay to drive home?’ I asked.
‘Yes, at the end we adminstere pure oxygen’ his assistant replied.
‘Hmm’ I thought to myself.

Then a member of staff quickly came in so I could sign off on the extra $90 it would cost me to get high. They then put the mask over my face and I started to inhale. Ahhhh. I felt quite light headed, a bit anxious still of what lie ahead. Shortly I felt semi-paralysed, as if any movement required a lot of effort and brain power. But also a kind of ‘fuck it’ feeling passed over me. Fuck it, my mouth is open as wide as the Channel Tunnel and I have at least 5 metal implements and a hoover in it. He started drilling again. I felt clear headed – I think – but strangely absent from my body, like an out of body experience. I was looking down at myself from the cieling. Fuck me, I haven’t been this off my noodle since Telepathy, Marshgate Lane, E8 circa 1991. Time stopped. I could smell the burning tooth as he ground down – like burnt hair and skin, mixed with porcelain. In the shard of the surgeons light I could see white teeth particles thrown up by the drill like little pain snowflakes. He carried on. The pain had stopped – I guess due to all the injections. Although it felt very uncomfortable with all the instruments in my dry mouth. Grin – well that’s not possible – and bear it.

After what seemed an eternity he stopped. I felt a relief surge over me.

‘Now I can start with the extraction bit’ he said.

Jesus, I thought we had finished. A wave of disappointment and anguish came over me. But there were some stubborn bits of tooth, probably fused to the bone of my jaw. The dentist pulled with all his might and my head jolted to counter act his force. I imagined those cartoons with the dentist putting his feet on the clients head trying to pull out a stubborn tooth. He kept pulling. Finally it gave. He showed me a tiny stone like particle of stubborn teeth in his calipers. Still not finished he carried on tugging with force at my jaw, a battle with my bone. Again, after a lengthy wrestle the final piece of tooth came out, an angry squatter finally evicted. I had been in the chair for 2 and a half hours. My jaw propped open with a rubber gum shield whist prodded, pulled and poked. I felt traumatized, shaky and exhausted, like I’d just emerged from eight rounds with Mike Tyson. Complex procedure felt like an understatement.